not so bad

OK, so Jez and I had a moment. At the party.

Of course, it might as well have been a dream now because she kind of oblivious. This might be my fault because I'm kind of quiet.

I just thought she'd make her move. Sounds like she'd have to be a tiger or something and pounce on me in the lunch line. Which, I don't mean. I just need a sign. I'm not asking for a billboard that says I LOVE YOU JORY.

But you know, a smile. A little wave. Something simple.

God, why am I dwelling on this. Its been weeks since that freaking party. Like September. Where does the time go?

Studying, I tell you. Mom's been on my case about math. I got grounded. It sucks to be me. I feel like this loner. And I can't even remember the last time anyone texted or called or..I feel like I'm in prison. And I just don't know what to do. I just don't know...

In her dreams

I wanted to stay. I did. But, he was still asleep when I left. He's so adorable. I couldn't possibly tell Will this.

He's not the type to fall into something like this..with a girl. WITH ANYONE.

He's like the lone wolf at school. Pouting about. I just don't get it. He was sooo..charming. Yeah, I think he was. It wasn't just me. I know. OK, could have been.

(Sigh) The way he was making over me. Like I was injured and all. Maybe I was. But I couldn't feel a thing with Will around.

God...

I hate myself for letting me fall for someone like him. I dunno if we are even really friends. Its just not fair. Its not.

In my dreams, I'm with him all the time. He's with me. We ..practically finish each other's sentences.

If only that could happen. If only.

But no.

Here I stroll through the school. Practically a ghost. Does he look at me? Would he ever say my name?

He's MR. Impossible. Always policing the halls. Giving people stares to stay away from him. Why does he have to be like this? Of course, Mick asked all about the party. He was a big mystery too. I decided to tell him nothing.

Yeah, just back to being good old drab me. Just the way everyone likes it.

Lets be clear

Chances are, I'm just not thinking straight in the head. I see that clearly now. I really never meant to hurt Lizzie. I didn't. It was a stupid mistake. I should have known better.

"What you really need is to put on some correct eye-ware." She'd said it days ago. A simple fix. Its just, I don't really look good in glasses .

"What you mean, is that you wouldn't dare want to let anyone know..you might be smart." Lizzie's always on my case about this little problem. She worries I'll get in a wreck of some kind. Well, I have. Just not on the highway and no bruises or stitches..just ended up with the wrong..person..at the party.

On the upside J is much easier about these one nighters than Lizzie even knows. But really, J's not all that. Just paws at you, like animal. Not that this would matter to Lizzie..if I told her.

I need to be by myself. But then I have the powers that be, breathing down my neck wanting to sell this shit to..whom ever. God, I'm wishing I could be someone else. Some one else who could find Lizzie and make it right. But it isn't that easy. Its never that easy. Not from where I'm from.

chances are

Who are these people? I swear I know..no one. And everybody thinks they know me. Yeah..as if. They have no idea. Really, they don't.

Everyone gets me confused with Josline. We are both too skinny for our own good and our hair is the same. Could be twin, I guess. Although, we have not once spoken to each other. So...she's the one with the reputation. Except..PEOPLE KEEP THINKING ITS ME.

OK, possibly not completely true. Yes, a time or two I have danced on tables and almost stripped teased. But I'm not the one getting it on with the entire football team. As it was last night with Josline.

No, I was waiting for Lex a good portion of the night in the laundry room. Of all places. I sort of got into it with a big fat mosquito. God knows what I could have gotten from it. This was no easy task, either. It must have bugged me for a good whole hour. Then I finally splat the thing against the wall and blood smeared against the white wall. It really looked ugly.

I think Lex hooked up with someone. My luck it was probably Josline. I'm not sure how mad I want to be at him. After all, we are just friends.

I didn't stay in the laundry room all night. I saw that Jory and Jez were having some fun on the back lawn. God knows, how many bug bites they have. Not that I want to know. But just saying, glad it was them and not me.

And THEN the Mick and Ty moment. It was kind of hilarious. I know I'll regret saying that. But it was just funny because I didn't know sober Ty ever got into situations..like that. So yeah, I made my rounds, ended up hanging out with Bugz, gave up on Lex and then a few of us ended up at IHOP drinking coffee. As if we were the worst kids ever. Totally, not true.

But I still don't know where Lex is.